jasonfranks

 
As you will have gathered, dear readers, the apocalypse is just about my favourite thing to write about.

These feel like apocalyptic times, don't they? Fires, floods, pestilence, disease, famine, terrorism, environmental catastrophe... and that's just in my backyard. But the biggest looming threat, to me, feels like the collapsing global economy. The end of capitalism. Global credit has been gutted and if the banks go we are back to an age of barbarism where the finely-honed twitter skills that appear to be the peak of human evolution will avail us nought.

But I have a complaint.

WALL STREET IS FUCKING IT UP FOR ALL OF US. 

The apocalypse is supposed to be about Big Events. Fire from the sky, Leviathan rising from the deeps, Behemoth rampaging across the lands. The frost giants awaken, black dogs prowl the empty cities, a machine intelligence blots out the sun with a seven nation  nuclear arsenal.  The horsemen ride; angels fall; death swings his scythe, the anti-christ leads an army of darkness and those who are not subjugated will be sent to his unholy father's realm to burn for all eternity.

I want a proper apocalypse, I'm tired of all this accounting bullshit. I want Lucifer Mornigstar ascending on his throne of human bones, not Bernard Goddamn Madoff and his filthy little ponzi scheme.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG, YOU FUCKERS.

My august relative DBAIW has coined a meme over on her blog, Hair Today Forgot Tomorrow. By her order I am compelled to respond to it:

The apocalypse has been penciled into the cosmic rolodex for 2012. Name five things that you want to do before the world comes to an end.

Far be it from me to pass up an excuse to wreak bloody vengeance upon my foes, and the apocalypse sounds like just my kind of deal, so here we go.

I have a five year plan; you will notice that we are already two steps in.

1/ Quit my job.
2/ Destroy the global economy.
3/ Fire, flood, locusts, boils, nuclear pyrotechnics
Lead my army of the Dead to victory against the nations of the free world.
4/ Guest appearance on Big Brother.
5/ Preside over the End of Days from a throne upholstered in human skin, whilst drinking the liquored blood of a thousand unbaptized children from a human skull and sniggering "I told you you'd all be sorry."

Burning in Hell(bourne),

-- JF